Here’s something to think about: What does it mean to help people? What makes you helpful?

True story: This guy once Googled a few workout videos and sent those links via email to a few of us, and in that email he wrote, “Everyone, here’s the October workout schedule for you all. Let’s all follow this for a whole month!” I replied saying I wasn’t interested in it, that I was okay with how I was and wouldn’t be following that schedule. His response? Something along the lines of, “I’m trying to help you and you don’t want to accept. I don’t care anymore because you act as though you’re 100% satisfied with your life.” [He also took a few more personal shots, saying things like, “When people don’t need my help, I just move on and go help others who need me. Not going to waste time (with you).”]

Just because I stated I was okay with my daily routine, the guy interpreted it as me saying I was completely happy with my life, which isn’t the same thing, but I digress. He also used the words “I don’t care,” which people seem to throw around and use very, very loosely. I mean, he considered “help” as giving one-size-fits-all “solutions” to a group of people, as though each person’s situation is exactly the same and would benefit from the exact same “solution.” This isn’t a multiple-choice test or a short-answer quiz, or a math problem, where everyone arrives at the same answer from what the teacher gives you! This is real life, and sure, the guy was kind enough to share those videos, but then to turn around and act all insulted when I didn’t want to participate, was a bit over the top. Saying things like “I don’t care anymore” and turning hostile were simply unnecessary. You’ve got to understand your “audience,” so to speak, if you want to “help” them. Giving a bunch of tough workout exercises to people ranging from fitness freaks (some of the others) to beginners (myself) and expecting all parties to benefit from the exact same schedule, was presumptuous (not to mention unrealistic). Sure, offer them as a suggested schedule, but don’t shove them down people’s throats. And certainly don’t get all pissed off when one person politely declines.

I think the key is to not shove something down people’s throats. Of course, don’t act all insulted as well when your suggestions are not well received. The proper attitude is, “Hey, if one person – just one person – can benefit from what I told them, then I’ve done my job.” If you want to help people, THAT’s the attitude to have.

Recently, I travelled from Vancouver, Canada, to Dayton, Ohio, because I was invited to speak to a class of engineering students at the University of Dayton. I was asked to share my experiences about a specific topic which could be helpful to the students. I approached the lecture the same way: “These are my experiences, and what I went through personally. If what I say could help just one person, then I’m glad to have helped that individual through my words. I’m certainly not going to shove my ideas down people’s throats and expect them all to follow what I tell them. My experiences, my words, etc., might be helpful to some and irrelevant to others. That’s reality. Just aim to have at least one person benefit from what I tell them. That would make me very happy and proud.”

Simple. That’s genuine help. It’s not about converting people or shoving ideas at people. It’s about detailing solutions that have helped me in my life and sharing them.

Other people will consider those who alert them about sales at high-end stores, etc., as “helpful” human beings. Hey, so-and-so was so kind to tell me that this [insert name of expensive brand] handbag was on sale. So-and-so is so wonderful and “helpful”! Yay! So-and-so gave me a coupon for Domino’s pizza that entitles me to eat at one of their locations at such-and-such a percent off! So “helpful”! Uhm. No. I couldn’t disagree more. But then again, that’s my personal opinion and I wouldn’t shove it down your throat either.

(Originally posted on Quora)

Original Question:

Psychology: What 5 rules would help me become successful if I applied them to my life? I’m not looking for specifics such as brush your teeth, I’m looking for more interesting principles that can be applied to a variety of situations.

Here are the top five rules to help you succeed:

1. Compare yourself with yourself, not with your friends / neighbours / colleagues. It simply isn’t worth your time to compare what you have and your results to what other people have and have accomplished. There are always going to be people ahead of you, no matter what. That doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. What it means is you should be focusing on yourself and on your own accomplishments. How have you improved compared to a year ago today? How will you continue to improve next week? What will you do so that you can be even better five years from today?

2. Learn how to be a good conversationalist. One rule that many people believe in for starting a conversation is you have to appear friendly. Don’t try to impress people right away when you start the conversation. What you want to do is show you’re a relaxed, friendly, sociable person who wants to have a pleasant chat.

One skill to keep in mind in being a good conversationalist is the ability to ask open-ended questions (not the simple “yes” or “no” questions but the ones where the other person has to give long answers). Also, you sound boring if you are asking typical questions like “What do you do?” or “Where do you work?” Ask different types of questions.

One of my bosses once taught me that you pay attention to the person’s interests so that you can build a rapport when you start a conversation. For example, before a job interview, he reads through the candidate’s resume and perhaps notices a certain hobby that the person has. During the interview, this boss would make the candidate feel relaxed by asking about that hobby and make the conversation interesting and not stressful.

3. Do not be afraid of failure. Actually, don’t even call it “failure.” Instead, label it as feedback and as a natural part of a successful life. Even the most successful people in the world have had their fair share of “failures” (oops I meant “feedback”) but they always keep bouncing back and try to learn from those experiences.

As former NBA great Michael Jordan once said: “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career… Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

The important thing is to find valuable lesson learned every time you didn’t succeed in something. Ask yourself: What can I learn from this?

4. Always try to learn new things to improve yourself. There are always new skills and knowledge you can learn through the Internet. Instead of focusing on time-wasting habits (such as too many hours on video games / iPhone games / gossiping / TV shows), spend more time to pick up new things. You never know, these might be helpful when you are applying for a job. Let’s say the interviewer looks at the resumes of you and three other candidates, and all of you seem to have the exact same educational background and experience. If you have a certain skill that other candidates don’t, that might set you apart from the others if everything else is equal.

5. Know what you want and work toward achieving it. I’ll use career as an example, although this can apply to other areas such as relationships. But let’s focus on career here. The reality is that you have to take responsibility for your own professional development. Nobody is going to help you on your path toward your career goal, except for yourself. So, it’s up to you to understand what you want, why you want it, and be prepared to take action to make it happen. Don’t be passive about it or the opportunities will be missed.

Good luck!